Rich Blessings are in Store

 This Christmas was hard. Harder than last. Not sure why, but I just was down. It all started with the moment I got out the stockings to hang and saw Buster's. I didn't want to do this. I didn't want to do any of it. Could we just skip it this year? How was I supposed to create holiday magic and cheer with our normal traditions, and presents, without any cheer in my heart. I really struggled, but I made it through, and in spite of the terrible feelings of loss and grief I was having leading up to Christmas, Christmas itself turned out to be surprisingly lovely. Still it felt like the grief of the holidays brought a wave the size of a tsunami that needed some clean up after the fact.  Going into January I was still feeling it. It ebbed and flowed, but then February came, and that's the month before the crash happened, and all these memories of the February of 2024 came flooding back into my mind. One particular day, Jaron and I had scheduled a ceiling date with the Wilcoxsons, and I thought I would poor out my heart to God and ask Him for comfort and guidance.  I was sorely disappointed, because I really felt nothing at all. I didn't even really feel the spirit. That night I was feeling angry and sad. Not angry at God, just angry that Buster was gone, that my dear friend Andrea was gone, and angry that my good friends Tilly and Lou were gone.  How could it really be that they were gone, and why didn't God comfort me in the temple? I had a wave of doubt flush over me. What if none of this were real? What if the temple wasn't real, and the things we did in it, didn't matter? I expressed these doubts to Jaron.  

A few days later it was Sunday. Again I prayed God would send His spirit down to me to comfort me.  Well, it came. It came during sacrament meeting, during the middle of a song. I Am a Child of God, rich blessings are in store.  That line really stood out to me. I was so grateful for the reminder from the Holy Ghost that I am indeed His daughter, and that He is aware of me, and that I can hope for things which are to come.  

Later that night I had a very special dream.  I dreamt I was at a ski resort. In real life, not in my dream there has been a lack of snow, which has been really disappointing to our family since we all bought ski passes. In my dream I was looking over this balcony at a big ravine below. It was dark. I think the Minnesota Hoopes' were there.  when all of the sudden it started to snow. It snowed and snowed. And even though it was snowing I didn't feel cold.  I looked up with joy at the falling snow and noticed giant, big, beautiful snowflakes.  They each looked like their own work of art, delicately and intricately designed in these perfect splayed out crystal shapes.  It was glorious to behold.  After experiencing this joy and excitement I immediately went in search of Jaron.  I found Ruby and asked her if she knew where dad was.  She said "I think he's just around the corner".  There was a large pillar blocking my view to where she was pointing, so I walked around it and sure enough there on the other side of the pillar, sitting on a bench with his head leaned back and asleep was Jaron. In his arms, also asleep, with his darling perfect little face, was Buster. Buster was about 2.5 or 3 in my dream.  He was on Jaron's right, and their faces were leaning on each other, holding each other up.  Warner was there too, standing on the bench and draping his arms around Jaron's left side.  My heart leapt with joy.  Here he was, here they were. Right here.  I walked up slowly and carefully and took Buster's little sleeping face into my hands.  I kissed it over and over, and wept.  He didn't wake up. It all made sense now. Of course he was here, not as a 12 year old, but as a 3 year old. I was starting over.  I could do it again, and I would get my 12 year old boy back one day.  This was God's plan for me and it made so much sense.  I woke up. Immediately I thought of the dream over and over again, combing over every detail. I was touching his face. He was right there. He was just little. I was given a chance to raise him again. He was mine, and I was his and we were together. Sadness filled my heart. I wanted to fall asleep again, when the words to the primary song I had sung on Sunday came flooding into my heart "Rich blessings are in store" and then again "Rich blessings are in store" and then one more time "Rich blessings are in store".  My heart filled with peace. I knew this was a message from my heavenly parents reminding me that my Sunday will come.  I felt so comforted, loved, and cared for.  I felt like a literal daughters to some heavenly being that was allowing me to sit at their feet and weep, while they patted my hair and said everything will be alright.  Everything will be alright. Rich blessings are in store.